At Mennonite Publishing House I had agreed to manage both the Herald Press Books and the Congregation Literature Divisions. I was in over my head. Morale was low, with turf battles among staff. Finances were strained. I had to terminate the job of a veteran employee prominent in our denomination.

I began exhibiting bizarre behavior. Sometimes I had grandiose ideas, great energy, spoke endlessly, ate lots of food, and generated long e-mails. Other times I was in the pit of gloom, darkness, and despair. A cloud hung over me. I could no longer approach my desk or even the MPH building without severe anxiety seizing me. I could not sleep at night, longing for the day. I could not face daytime, longing for the night. Life no longer seemed worth living.

No one enjoys admitting defeat, nor did I. Extreme stress, I learned, can lead to a heart attack, a stroke, or an emotional breakdown. Mine was the latter. Unfortunately, a heart attack or a stroke is more socially acceptable.

How do you react to words like crazy, mentally ill, emotionally unbalanced, or manic-depressive? And how about nervous breakdown, bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety? These labels fit me.

My wife, June (Bontrager), was supportive, as were the two local pastors, Linford Martin and John Sharp. My daughter, Andrea, came from eastern Pennsylvania to be with us in the crisis. Consensus led to professional intervention. The hardest thing I have ever done was to commit myself voluntarily to the locked psychiatric wards at Philhaven Hospital near Hershey, Pennsylvania.

My activities were planned and closely monitored each day by the psychiatric team. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (manic-depressive) disease and generalized anxiety. Medications began to control chemical malfunctions in my brain.

After my release, I gradually worked more hours and resumed going to Kingview Mennonite Church. Again I could recognize God’s Spirit in my life. June never wavered in her love and emotional support. This is an extremely demanding role for a spouse to play. The trauma both to June and me was greater than most can ever know. But God has brought us through all of this to a good place again.

People who suffer an emotional illness cannot pick themselves up by their bootstraps and move on. They often need medication and therapy. As Christians in caring communities, we can be supportive, nonjudgmental, allowing them time to heal. And God will do God’s part.

—Paul M. Schrock

Letter
Dear Editors, Thanks so much for all of the DreamSeeker Magazine Spring 2002 articles related to mental illness, including to your sister's journey, Michael. I was reminded over and over of former parishoners who suffered in our midst. Many are still among us, and we in the church surely need to better understand how to appreciate their gifts and minister to their struggles.

My Quaker upbringing (my ancestral heroes) undoubtedly laid the groundwork for my deep appreciation of many of the other articles—an intellectual dialogue about hearing God's voice and what that does or does not mean, about the Easter Walk toward personal resurrection, and about the Original Word's importance in aiding us as we interpret written Scripture, helping us to value what the Bible says rather than to make it an infallible God. C. Norman Kraus is an important voice in helping to broaden the church's view of The Bible and God.

DreamSeeker Magazine is expressing the kind of freedom we need to question, stimulate thinking, and nurture spiritual growth.—Ruth Naylor